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Why Chris Christie Will Never Ever Ever Be President Of The United States

Welcome to the 2016 race for President, Chris Christie. Quite frankly, I’m more than a little surprised you decided to run. Why? Well, I’ll be delighted to lay out my reasons for you:

Reason #1: You’re A Bully

Chris, you’ve basically made a career of insulting, berating, and sniping at people you disagree with. That may play well in New Jersey, but in the Midwest and Deep South it won’t. Americans don’t like bullies. We constantly cheer for the underdog, the guy who is getting beat up until one day he decides to say no more and defends himself. So your chances of ever connecting with people on a human level is virtually nil. You may say that you offer “straight talk” from a candidate, but when you engage in so-called straight talk most folks see it as being an asshat. Which of course you are.

Reason #2: You’re Up To Your Eyes In Scandal

Bridgegate, Governor. Yeah, I bet when you hear that word a migraine headache starts up at the base of your neck, doesn’t it? Several of your former aides are under federal indictment, and it’s only a matter of time before one of them cuts a deal with the U.S. Attorney and sings like a bird, spilling all the dirt on what you really knew about the matter. Then, hopefully, you will also be indicted and we’ll see how you handle the pressure. Not well, I’m betting.

Reason #3: It’s Pronounced “Jerk”

The dictionary definition of the word jerk is this: “A contemptibly obnoxious person.” Yep, that’s sure as heck you, Chris. This one is tied into the first one of you being a bully. But you also come off as a pompous, smirking jackass who thinks every question asked of you is somehow a personal affront. Members of the media hate that kind of thing, and they will rip you a new one the first time you cop an attitude with them. I’d advise you to 86 your attitude, but you know what they say: The leopard cannot change his spots.

Reason #4: Your Record As Governor

Let’s see, the credit rating for New Jersey has been downgraded seven times since you became governor. Hmm…that does not exactly inspire confidence when one considers you as President. Also, your own state says they’re sick of you. Recent polls show that 50.4 percent of people in your home state have an unfavorable opinion of you. That’s right up there with cockroaches and dandruff. Your favorable rating stands at 27.3 percent. Bottom line: You couldn’t be elected as trash collector in New Jersey right now. And now you want to take your unpopularity national? Are you kidding me?

I have no idea why Chris Christie is running for President. Maybe he wants to set up a book deal or prove something to himself. Or maybe it’s just his last lap around the track before his entire career comes crashing down around him. Whatever the reason, I place his chances at 0.01 percent. Put it this way, my dog has a better chance of being elected than he does.

This article was originally published by the same author at LiberalAmerica.org.

By Andrew Bradford

Proud progressive journalist and political adviser living behind enemy lines in Red America.

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