Though he probably won’t be convicted by the Senate in his second impeachment trial, it’s safe to predict that Donald Trump will very likely be convicted of one crime or another in a New York court over the course of the Biden administration.
Two separate investigations are underway into Trump, his family, and the Trump Organization in the Empire State. One is being conducted by Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance Jr. and the other is under the watchful eye of New York Attorney General Letitia James.
That being said, it’s not a stretch to say that sooner or later the Donald will be spending some time in lockup, and a well-known scam artist has some helpful tips on how the former president can best survive what awaits him.
Anna Delvey is currently incarcerated in New York after spending some time at Rikers Island. Delvey — whose real name is Anna Vadimovna Sorokina — is serving a four to 12 year sentence on multiple counts of attempted grand larceny, and theft of services.
Delvey maintains a website and decided she’d post some do’s and donts’ for Trump. Her tips serve as good information for Trump and also double as masterful trolling of the ex-president:
“Dear Mr. Trump,
“Depending on Cyrus Vance’s mood, there is approximately an 87% chance you will get closely acquainted with NYS criminal justice in the nearest future. Judging from my own experience and considering your vast resources and high incentive to flee, it’s inevitable you will end up remanded and sent to Rikers Island, which for a while was my terrain.
“I feel that it’s my duty to share my newfound wisdom with someone who will have a plentiful of time and opportunity to put it to a good use—you.”
That out of the way, Delvey then moves on to giving advice to Trump:
“First and foremost: get out of suicide watch/mental observation as soon as you possibly can—it’s neither a good look, nor something you want to be remembered by. That’s where the real crazies end up, unless they manage to fool the staff into thinking otherwise, and if you aren’t dying to learn everything about pros and cons of S1, you don’t want to be around that kind of energy. First impressions matter, and rolling into this jail while smelling of desperation and wallowing in self-pity is definitely not a way to commence your journey.”
When it comes to food, Delvey makes it clear that Donald won’t be getting his regular ration of fast food once he’s an inmate:
“However you choose to look at it, food is a difficult one. If possible, stay away completely. No one with any self-respect can be expected to actually ingest the garbage they have the nerve to offer here. Good news is that you will most likely encounter multiple COs who will be more than willing to sneak you stuff from their cafeteria. The bad part is that their food is nothing to write home about either. What did you imagine?”
Delvey also touches on prison jobs, being a talent scout while serving time, and how to best get along with correctional officers. All of those are sure to be beneficial to Donald.
So, Donnie, read carefully and memorize the most salient passages when you have a chance, provided you can recall anything after snorting all that Adderall and cocaine over the years. Maybe you can also start your own website and even charge admission as yet another scam to get some funds for commissary items.
Oh, and one other thing, Mr. Former President: Be sure and give us all a loud “LOCK HER UP!” at least once a day as a reminder that Hillary Clinton is still free and you’re not. Enjoy!