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10 Quotes That Prove Why Donald Trump Will Sooner Be Struck By Lightning Than Elected President

So, the Donald has decided to run for the 2016 GOP Presidential nomination. Well, that means a few things:

*We will be guaranteed bizarre, often unintentional humor in the campaign.

*Writers like me will make a mint off articles that highlight just how much of a moron Donald Trump is and always has been. Which is good, because I need to put some extra money in my daughter’s college fund, and this will allow her to attend Harvard or Yale while driving a brand new Jaguar.

*We will finally discover if his hair is a separate entity and will also be filing papers to run on its own.

So allow me my first crack at Candidate Trump with this list of quotes which definitively prove that Donald Trump has a better chance of being struck by lightning than ever winning an election of any kind. And you have no idea how difficult it was to keep this list to only 10 items!

1. “You know, it really doesn’t matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.”

And the only reason she’s hanging out with you is because you buy her things, Donald. Otherwise, she’d be dating someone who wasn’t constantly staring into a mirror and whispering, “You are so perfect.”

2. “I’ll tell you, it’s Big Business. If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it’s Big Business. Or two words – Big Business.”

It only takes one word to describe Donald Trump: Asshat.

3. “I have a great relationship with the blacks.”

Notice his use of “the” before refers to black people. I’m surprised he didn’t say some of his best friends are black.

4.  “It’s like in golf. A lot of people — I don’t want this to sound trivial — but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”

Donald would love to switch to a long putter, but his ex-wives report he is forever stuck with a short one.

5. “Let me tell you, I’m a really smart guy. I was a really good student at the best school in the country.”

Wharton School at Penn is the best in the country? Umm…no, it isn’t. Nice try, Slick.

6. “I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.”

Then kindly explain why we laugh when you open your mouth. Must be all that honesty is making us giddy.

7. “All of the women on ‘The Apprentice’ flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

That’s because they wanted to win. And how do you unconsciously flirt with a person?

8. “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well been documented, are various other parts of my body.”

If that’s true, why do you feel such a desperate need to brag?

9. “I’m not a schmuck. Even if the world goes to hell in a handbasket, I won’t lose a penny.”

Trust me, you’re still a schmuck.

10. “In life you have to rely on the past, and that’s called history.”

As are you, Donald: You’re ancient history, but we do thank you for the all the laughs you’ve given us in the past and all the laughs you will provide us in the future.

2016 just got so much more fun!

h/t PoliticalHumor.com

This article was originally published by the same author at LiberalAmerica.org.

By Andrew Bradford

Proud progressive journalist and political adviser living behind enemy lines in Red America.

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